Rule 85: Slashing

Covered in Oil may have the written hockey-rotica market all sewn up, but here at Hot Oil we subscribe to the "a picture can say a thousand words" philosophy. If we wanted to read, we'd go to school. I mean, why suffer through thirty-six billion "sidelong glances" and "moistened, slightly parted lips" when Alexei Semenov and Brad May are giving up the real goods right on the ice!?

A big thanks to reader Pauline for the photo.

Stay classy, Edmonton.

With the arrival of Chris Pronger looming on the horizon, Edmonton has been wondering what kind of welcome he deserves. I am lucky enough to have tickets to see that game. Message boards and newpaper inboxes alike have been overwhelmed with opinions. Some say that booing is never classy. Some say that because Pronger played so well for Edmonton last season, he deserves a hero's welcome. They're wrong.

Well, partly. While booing might never be considered classy, there is a time and a place for it. It would be considered unclassy to boo someone else's national anthem. I think that we can all agree that that should never again happen in Edmonton. But booing a player who behaved like a petulant child and disrespected your city is not classless. It's harmless, and Pronger will be expecting it (the only thing better would be to not utter a sound. That would damage Pronger's ego much more than booing ever would. It's also impossible, for all 16 000+ fans will not agree). It's harmless as long as the line is drawn there. Throwing shit onto the ice (unless it's frozen beef prior to a playoff game) and having the booming Rexall voice remind you not to three times before resorting to threats makes Edmonton look like a city full of rednecks.

If you're at the game tomorrow, boo if you'd like but keep your hands to yourself. Then, as Alana said, we can get on with our lives.

Homecoming

On the eve of Chris Pronger's return to Edmonton, I think MacTavish should take a (fashion) note from long-time Mighty Ducks nemesis Coach Jack Riley:
Much like Gordon Bombay, Chris Pronger hates hockey and doesn't like kids. Hopefully an Oil win tomorrow will wipe that perpetually smug look off of his face, and then we can all get on with our lives. GOILERS!

Any press is good press.

Oil be sure to visit

Wednesday, November 22:

I don't normally follow blogs that treat athletes as sex objects (that's why we have supermodels), but hot-oil.blogspot.com gets my vote, only because it includes a YouTube video of Joan Jett's Do You Want to Touch Me. If they added April Wine's Rock Myself to Sleep, I'd be a happy man. Some days, I miss the '80s.

--Dan Brodribb, Ed Magazine, Edmonton Journal

"I think they gave me a heavy mic on purpose"

This one's for Loxy:



That Marty Reasoner's a funny guy.

What Your Oiler Boyfriend Says About You: Goalie Edition

Dwayne Roloson:
You're cleary brilliant, and generally awesome.

No? Okay, okay...

If you dig Roli, then you obviously have an appreciation for quirkiness. This means you're probably a little weird yourself. While you don't go out of your way to be the center of attention, you don't mind it when you are. Outward appearances aren't as important to you as what's inside, so you're probably not much of a fashionista. However, you have an odd attraction to gold, which may manifest in a large jewelry collection.

Jussi Markkanen:
Blindingly white teeth and a clean shave turn you on, so you're probably really into personal hygiene. You're not the most creative person, but you have an appreciation for conventially beautiful things. You probably have an unselfish, supportive personality, which makes you a good friend.

Conks:
You're a masochist.

Not Oily, but still tasty.

So, whilst perusing Mirtle's list of "The Best Players You've Never Heard Of" (which contains TWO Oilers!! Mom and Thor...) I found Johnny Oduya. Half Swedish, half Kenyan and all hot!

Grr.

Let's Talk About Feelings

A shootout can be an emotional rollercoaster. Mike over at CinO already posted last night's jubilation when Raffi scored the winning goal against Detroit, but here's what happens when Roli gets beaten:

Thanks to good pal Leah for the photo!

PS: I think that this is pretty much the most awesome thing ever.

Man on Man love.

Oh, Devo, how I wish we had created Hot-Oil oh so sooner.

(Watch out Rachel!)

Great Success!

6-2 over a bunch of hobos! Caliente!

Crazy Oiler Anagrams!!

Marty Reasoner = Sorry, Maneater.
Igor Ulanov = Valour in go.
Craig MacTavish = A vast, rich magic.
Dwayne Roloson = Slow rod anyone
Ethan Moreau = Human eat roe
Ales Hemsky = He my ass elk

What good ones have you found? http://www.anagramlogic.com/

Oilers All-Stars

Head on over to NHL.com to vote for your favourite Oiler to be part of the 2007 All-Star team! Hemsky, Smyth, Sykora, and my boyfriend Roloson are on the ballot for the Western Conference. I voted for all of them, of course! It's worth noting that Chris Pronger is also on the ballot, so make sure to vote against him. And Liles. Vote! Go now!

Only losers play hockey regularly at 5 280 feet.

The Oilers are taking on Colorado tonight in approximately one hour and forty minutes. Will Horcoff score a goal? Will Winchester get a hat trick? Only time will tell.

You've still got enough time to head over to the liquor store in order to participate in the Oilers Drinking Game!

Would you rather play in an arena named after a drug store or a soft drink?

The Greatest Arena Rock Anthem that Wasn't

When it comes to NHL games, the ice isn't the only place where women are under-represented. While the sound system repeatedly bleats such aural assaults as "Cotton-Eyed Joe" and "Song #2," scarcely a female voice is heard. Sometimes a top-40 pop tart (see: Fergie) breaks through the male-dominated clutter, but these tunes typically have no longevity -- in a decade, I doubt that "London Bridge" will be blasted whenever Hemsky 2.0 scores a goal. In contrast, "Welcome to the Jungle" will almost definitely remain in the repertoire.

Admittedly, there are not a lot of rock anthems with female vocals. "Hit me with your Best Shot" should probably get more play than it does, but the rest of Benetar's catalogue is a little too emo for the rink. Lita Ford's "Kiss me Deadly" has potential, but isn't very well-known and often gets overlooked. In light of this dilemma, what can us ladies do to inject some much-needed estrogen into the Oilers' PA system? Maybe what we should really be asking is: What Would Joan Jett Do?

I think Joan Jett would bust out her gritty, sexy, and generally amazing cover of the notorious Gary Glitter's "Do you Wanna Touch Me." While Glitter's version is sleazy (go figure) and really quite fey, Jett transforms this silly song about clumsy seduction into a head-banging, fist-pumping, crowd-rallying rock and roll anthem that rivals the best that GnR, Van Halen, or any of those other old men have to offer. Just listening to this tune on my MP3 player makes me feel as if I've been transported to some epic sports event where the stadium is screaming "YEAH; OH YEAH; OH YEAH!" along with the chorus.

Considering that the Oilers are the sexiest team in the league, I think it would be appropriate for their celebratory theme song to be about that deadly combo: raging hormones and whiskey. How better to follow a climactic breakaway goal than with the orgasmic declaration, "Do you wanna touch me there (where?) there! YEAH!"?
I mean, really.

Dinktown, USA

Whenever I hear Detroit referred to as "Hockeytown" without a trace of irony, it's all I can do to keep my head from exploding. Hockeytown, my ass. In a true "Hockeytown," fans would stick around the arena until the final buzzer or, you know, actually sell out the games in the first place. In a true "Hockeytown," the cheers when Winchester was knocked flat on his back tonight would have been deafening. In reality, all the TSN microphones were able to pick up were a few halfhearted "whoo"s. Pathetic.

You know what else is pathetic? The Oilers' zero shots on five powerplays. 16 shots total in the game. What in the hell is going on?

It seemed like the rookie line (Winchester, Petersen, and Thoresen) was getting a lot of icetime tonight -- I'm not sure if this was a good thing, especially when they were put out on the PP. Winchester in particular had a busy game -- Dude looks like a lady, but he was out-hustling almost everyone wearing white and punching everything in sight! Thoresen put in a pretty good game, too, with lots of sharp backchecking. These young guys should remind the veterans how to move their feet.

Aside from the rookies, my boyfriend Dwayne Roloson was the only Oiler who didn't seem to phone in tonight's performance. Stopping 42 of 45 shots, he finished the game with a .933 SV% and a second star. He's so cute.

Dream a little dream of me.

Have you guys had any Oilers dreams?

While I can still remember this, I should share it.

So, I'm in class. It's a big lecture hall, reminiscent of my university days. But it's still supposed to be my BCIT journalism program. I know this because a few classmates are sitting around me. We're talking Oilers even - about new players that are looking good on the team. (I'm lucky to have a HUGE Oilers fan with me in my program, as well as a couple other Oil supporters)

One of the non-hockey following girls in class starts talking about the new cute guy in class. I can only see him from the back, as he sits in front of us. I say that long hair doesn't really do it for me. And she says, "fine, go back to your stupid Oilers conversation." I start saying how Patrick Thoresen has been such a surprise.

And then the new guy turns around and that's exactly who it is.

Unfortunately, that's all I remember.

Say what?

Spot the error.

Oilers Drinking Game

With the Oilers in the midst of a tail-spin, their games can be pretty tough to watch. Sometimes it's enough to drive you to drink -- so why not make a game of it?

Take a drink when:
Oilers win a faceoff
An Oiler blocks a shot
Oilers get a 5 on 4 Power Play
Oilers goalie drinks from his water bottle
Roloson starts yapping at the refs
MacTavish is shown with his mouth wide open
Smytty is in the crease or screening the goalie
MAB makes a defensive error
Greene gets a penalty
One of the players makes you swoon (for any reason)
Girls in the stands wearing tight shirts are shown
An Oilers fan in an opposing arena is shown
A fan’s sign makes you laugh
An ex-Oiler gets booed at Rexall

Take two drinks when:
An Oiler blocks a shot with his face
Oilers kill a penalty
Oilers breakaway
Oilers get a 5 on 3 Power Play
A goalie (either team) gets a penalty
Hemsky has a clear shot on net and chooses to pass instead
Roloson’s mask pops off
Roloson bats the puck down the ice like a baseball
MAB takes a shot and hits one of the Oilers
Raffi makes a big hit
There’s a fight
There have been 5 consecutive passes on the Power Play without a shot on net
You can see (or hear) one of the players say “fuck”
Your favourite Oiler gets interviewed at intermission
You learn nothing from the intermission player interview
The current Oilers get booed at Rexall

Finish the rest of your drink when:
Any Guns n’ Roses song is played
Oilers score
Roloson gets in a fight (finish a second drink if it’s a goalie vs. goalie fight!)
MacTavish loses his mind on the refs
Oilers goalie gets an assist
Oilers get a shutout
Oilers finish a Power Play without a single shot on net
You actually miss Conklin

Chug until you pass out when:
McGeough is reffing the game. It’s better that you not watch.

The 2nd highest scoring Norwegian in NHL history is....

Moving in:
http://atvs.vg.no/player/player.php?id=5930

Being interviewed:
http://atvs.vg.no/player/player.php?id=5938

Who's their Ben Mulroney?

Just a quick fact: Daniel Tjarnqvist's brother, Mathias lists his favourite TV show as Swedish Idol (seriouskly, check out the link).

I'm glad I wasn't the one who had to post about last night's disgusting display. I'm still speechless.

This man is seriously NOT hot.

The antics of this man are irreparable. This showboating tub of lard took the game into his own hands and the result was devastating. The Oil deserved better, baby Jesus cried and in response the silver fox, hot-oil's 2nd runner up, said some things that erred on the side of inappropriate (but boy what a clip!).

I can forgive MacT. I've used the same "R" word many a time.

"You don’t call retarded people retards. It’s bad taste. You call your friends retards – when they’re acting retarded."

His attention to public commentary detail was lost in a moment of complete emotion.

I can't forgive Mick McGeough. He deserves to pay for his mistakes. And that's the inherent problem... it wasn't just one mistake, you fucking piece of shit.

Live Nude Roli!

Well, probably not nude. My boyfriend Dwayne Roloson will be spending some time by the magazine racks at Save on Foods (11180 Ellerslie Road) tomorrow between 2 and 3 PM. Head on down there to soak up some sexy curmudgeonly weirdness! And get me an autograph!

In other news, our Hot Champion 2006 had surgery yesterday and is in recovery. He may be back on the ice by February.
Get better, Ethan!

I'm a happy guy! I'm playing in the NHL!

Thanks to a friendly anonymous tip, I found the below CTV segment on YouTube that digs into those horrible roster photos. As you know, these images have been controversial here at Hot Oil. Unfortunately, the reporter chose to focus on the photos themselves and didn't try to find an explanation for the retina-burning sci-fi backgrounds. The clip is pretty funny, nonetheless. HEMSHKEEEE!

Boo!

Happy Halloween, y'all! Here's a pretty hilarious Sportsnet segment about Shawn Horcoff's costume for this year's Oilers Halloween Party -- I didn't even know such an event existed! This video is also enhanced with lots of delicious Roli and Reasoner footage. Enjoy!



The Predators are going down!

PS: Hot Oil is apparently the #1 Google search result for the phrase "glamorous emo hairstyle." If that's how you got here, I hope you found what you were looking for.